CustomerPower named in Mitchell Report

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DISCLAIMER: The following is a humorous take on recent headlines and the result of Rick Stroud’s idle hands. Don’t worry readers; he has a full project list for 2008. Hope you enjoy.

The recently released Mitchell Report from the US Senate concerning steroids and performance enhancements in Major League Baseball named several high profile players including Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens. But in a stunning turn of events the report has also named NCR's CustomerPower. Former Senator Mitchell, himself a one-time professional baseball player and a known recipient of marketing emails, said the amazing performance improvements and enhancements in functionality shown by CustomerPower were too egregious to ignore. He continued that some level of improvement over time was expected as a result of better training methods, coding practices and nutrition. But the ease and margin at which CustomerPower has surpass previous milestones was 'making a mockery’ of other email service providers and could seriously affect the integrity of email marketing as a business.

The Senator admits his report is based primarily on second hand testimony, but damning testimony none the less. The Senator interviewed current customers, CustomerPower programmers and competitors. Mr. Z of (Company Withheld) was quoted as saying that the improvements in responses to support calls was “staggering.” Previously a call might get returned promptly and a solution would quickly follow, but recent responses had shattered all previous records. Mr. Z refused to accuse the support team directly of taking illegal substances to improve responses but did go on record as saying the responses were “suspiciously prompt and thorough.” When directly asked for a response, Rick Stroud of NCR eCommerce admitted the support team was prompt but denied being suspiciously so.

Apparently ruffled by the question, Mr. Stroud indicated he had only given the clients what they wanted. "If responses are too quick and thorough," he said, “customers bear some responsibility.” He continued, "yeah, we responded quickly and customers thanked us, what did they expect us to do? Not continue to improve; they know we are here to please them."

When asked if she could confirm Mr. Z's allegations, another customer, Ms. T. of (Company Withheld) issued only a two-line statement through her attorney indicating her version of events would soon be available in her own tell-all book, Inside the Panel of Peers: What One Online Marketer Saw.

Unfortunately, the enhancements in CustomerPower are not limited to only support call responses alone. Senator Mitchell names the vast improvements in overall functionality now included in the CustomerPower Solutions as a culprit. He liberally uses the term “unnatural” to describe how NCR's email marketing solution had transformed itself in only a few years from "a skinny email application called PostMaster" to "an industry leading multi-channel marketing solution." He indicates that the tremendous improvement in functionality may have initially gone unnoticed by clients as it was “secretly” deployed first for banking clients and then clandestinely worked into the interface for retail customers. This is not the first time NCR eCommerce has been accused of leveraging its expertise across industries and these recent allegations are sure to fuel renewed calls from competitors to “break up NCR” as they are simply unable to compete with the multi-industry behemoth based out of Dayton, Ohio.

Some of the most damning testimony in the report comes from CustomerPower Developers, though they maintain they were taken completely out of context. Both Saji Damodaran and BK Ajith admitted that NCR eCommerce management had continued to stress quality, innovation and performance and they had occasionally been given substances to ingest while programming. But they had been lead to believe these substances were merely donuts and recently included “holiday treats” sent by happy customers. When asked for samples of these “treats” for laboratory testing, Philip Looney, an NCR support rep, joked, "if you are looking for a donut around here, you had better be looking before Devasayaham shows up or you won't find anything." Apparently Mr. Looney does not understand the gravity of the charges leveled against his company.

The investigation ultimately took a turn to the bizarre with an interview of Mr. C of (Company Withheld). When pressed for a comment regarding the enhanced solution, Mr. C repeatedly requested to not be put in this position. Saying the Senator did not understand how truly powerful CustomerPower was nor the forces he was dealing with. Quote from Mr. C, "They track your every activity, doesn't the Senator understand this? Opens, Clicks, Bounces and Conversions. I once complained to my ISP of an email being Spam, and CUSTOMERPOWER KNEW ABOUT IT, they know everything, Timestamps, Bounce Codes and Order Amounts. I've said too much… I have a family and kids to worry about."

When asked to clarify his comments, Mr. C did not return calls and is reportedly vacationing with his family out of the country. We approached Sharmila Sorenson the head of customer support for the NCR eCommerce Team (and former CustomerPower client). We requested she explain Mr. C's comments and the truth behind CustomerPower's performance improvement and enhancements. The pixie-like Ms. Sorenson said "The Truth, you can't handle the truth," and then launched into a bad Jack Nicholson impersonation.

This sordid tale of pursuit of excellence at any cost can only end with depositions as key managers of CustomerPower are expected to be called to testify before Congress. Also clouding this already murky matter is how the Senate's other investigation into alleged ties between NCR eCommerce and the nefarious Kapur Crime Family of India will be played out. Anonymous sources have leaked the Senator hopes to get one of the Kapur brothers to flip on the other for a lighter sentence in the pending case, though at present, that appears unlikely.